I Need Help With My Essay?

Question by Pretty thang: I need help with my essay?
My name is Rebekkah. i am 30 years old. I graduated from California State University Dominguez Hills with a Bachelor’s of Arts degree in Pschology. Most of my concentration courses were in Abnormal Psychology, Psychology of the Aging, and The Family. My passion is to work with individuals and families that suffer from mental health and conduct disorders, substance abuse, and family violence issues. I believe that treatment must first begin with involving the entire family.
I have five years of experience working in mental health field with a variety of clients.
First, my job experience working as a mentor/tutor with low-income at-risk children introduced me to the mental health field. And as a result of this experience, I am dedicated to pursuing a career in Marriage and Family therapy. I also have worked with clients in a residential treatment facility who have behavioral and emotional problems. These clients need to be in a more structured environment where treatment can help them overcome their behaviors. I have experience in working with clients to set initial goals and a plan to meet his/her goals. SEcond, my experience as a case manager in handling domestic violence cases taught me that there needs to be professions that can be emphathetic to their needs and situations. I believe that I can bring my attributes to your program of being an empathetic person, compassion, and maintaining confidentiality.

Best answer:

Answer by KnowsEverything773
I’m not entirely sure where your question is, unless you just want feedback on your essay and this is it.

Feedback:
-I don’t know that I would start with “My name is…I am…years old,” etc. I think there’s a stronger way you could phrase that. Eg. “I am Rebekkah, a graduate of California State Dominguez Hills with a Bachelor’s of Arts degree in Psychology.” Do you need to put your age?
-Sentences that start with “I think” and “I believe” are not very strong. Excessive use of the verb “to be” is also risky. For example, in your last sentence, you can probably make it stronger by moving “I believe” to a less important part of the sentence and phrasing it like this: “As an empathetic and compassionate individual who knows the importance of maintaining confidentiality, I believe that I could contribute much to your program.”
-Watch out for spelling and grammar errors, as well as typos. “SEcond, my experience…” <-typo! -Revised sentence: "My passion is working with individuals and families that suffer from..." -Your sentence that starts "And as a result" - drop the "And" and start with "As" instead. -Drop the "First," in "First, my job experience..." -Revised sentence: "I have worked with clients to initially establish individual goals and then a plan to meet these goals." Revised sentence: Drop "Second" and then rephrase, "As a case manager in handling domestic violence cases, I learned that professionals must be empathetic to the various needs of clients and to the situations themselves. Sorry that's all kind of out of order...I just wrote down suggestions as I went through in my weird order, but I hope it helps.

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