Anyone Know Any Jokes or Anything…?
Question by Lazy: Anyone know any jokes or anything…?
…i feel depressed… -_-
im not even asian, d!ckhead. nvm…
Best answer:
Answer by Samantha is CLOSER TO THE EDGE
Say “I won a math debate” 5 times fast out loud
Answer by Deborah
listen to what i say
in your life expect some trouble
when you worry you make it double
don’t worry be happy
be happy now
Bobby McFerrin – Don’t Worry, Be Happy
A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
“For your kindness,” the genie said, “I will grant you one wish!” The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, “I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California.”
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, “Listen, I’m sorry, but I can’t do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they’d have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That’s too much to ask.”
“OK,” the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. “I’m a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!”
The genie paused, and then sighed, “Did you want two lanes or four?”
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I’ve always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I’d eat my M&M’s one by one with a glass of water.
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Psychiatrist to his nurse:
Just say we’re very busy. Don’t keep saying it’s a madhouse.
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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
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Why do you prefer Alzheimer disease to Parkinson disease?
Because it’s better to forget to pay the beer than to spill it.
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How can you distinguish the staff from the patients in the asylum?
The staff has the door key.
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At a party:
‘Are you a psychologist?’
‘Why do you ask it?’
‘Oh yes, you are a psychologist.’
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I’m absolutely healthy… The voices in my head agreed as well.
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Client: “Everybody ignores me. ”
Doctor: “Next, please.”
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I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. They’ve got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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I’m not satisfied with the result of the therapy… I used to be Napoleon, but today I’m simply John Smith.
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Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world, where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Terrifini is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. Man bursts into tears: “But doctor . . . I am Terrifini.
Add your own answer in the comments!
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