Bi Polar Not Taking Responsibility for Behaviors?

Question by Jael: Bi Polar not taking responsibility for behaviors?
Soon to be ex son in law has been diagnosed with bi polar, after first diagnosis, he continued to self medicate with pot and alcohol. Made bad choices and spiraled downward getting arrested several times and having affairs. Emotionally and physically abusive to children. Whether manic or depressed, he has been controlling and abusive to both wife and children.

Currently his wife, my dau has filed for divorce as she can not continue to live with the unusual controls, poor decisions, frequent pot usage and obsessive talk about pot. As well as forced sex and physically keeping her from one child and calling the other child his favorite. all in front of children.
just today, he said to one of the children on the phone that she should not talk back to grandma or he would not be her friend anymore.
He is currently incarcerated and under court order to stay in Psych hospital for 6mo of treatment.
My concern is the 4 year old and 6 year old and how his erratic behavior is affecting them. They sleep poorly and have night terrors as well as behavior that we struggle with gaining control of.
He seems to want me to accept him and just forget all he has done to these children and my dau. I can for give, but, I just don’t think I have to trust him.
It is easy to say that “I will continue to take my meds and follow through with my treatment” when in a controlled setting.
Then he keeps saying that we are the bad people because he couldn’t help what he was doing. He wants to tell his kids how to think and act and tells them the scary details of bipolar and mental hospitals, he thinks he is super smart and knows better than everyone else.
How can we be sure that he will not “slip” when not under the watchful eye of the authorities? He has used bipolar as his reason for all his inappropriate behaviors.
How can I stand up to him? Protect my grandchildren? Trust him?????

Best answer:

Answer by moysant1
Bipolar can make people irresponsible, because that is what bipolar can do when they swing to extremes.

Just provide the children with as much stability as you can from yourself. It is up to your daughter to look after their needs with your support. Don’t try to control this guy, you are not his jailor or keeper and any tension from you will make his stress worse and his behaviour worse.

Plenty of ppl have grown up with a drunk or an abusive parent but as long as they had other ppl who were reliable they can turn out ok.

Answer by Larry
I’m afraid I haven’t anything comforting to say to you Jael. You can’t. You can’t trust him; you can’t be sure he won’t slip, if fact, you can almost be sure he will because he’s playing mind games with you, your daughter, her children, and himself. His refusal to take responsibility for his actions is classic. It’s called denial and is used by all substance abusers as an excuse to justify their addiction: it’s everyone else’s fault, not his own. As for standing up to him, that’s going to be difficult and require a great deal of courage by you and your daughter. You will have to involve the law. Get a restraining order and have the courage to have it enforced. He will try to convince you and your daughter that he’s turned over a new leaf.You say he thinks he’s super smart. I rather doubt the “super” part, but addicts and emotionally disturbed people have lied to themselves and to others for so long that they become expert at it. They often seem sincere because they believe their own lies. Until he takes responsibility for his actions and his treatment he will not get better and there’s nothing you or your daughter. or anyone else can do for him.
How does he communicate with his children? If he’s incarcerated I assume he calls them on the phone or they are taken to see him. Change your phone number and have it unlisted, and keep the children away from him. This may seem cruel, but you must decide upon the appropriate action to protect you, your daughter, and the children. You haven’t said anything about your daughter’s part in all this. If she is controlled by him or refuses to accept reality, things will continue as they have in the past and there’s nothing you can do. If he eventually arrives at the ultimate despair that most drug addicts, (and that includes alcoholics, which is another addictive drug) eventually reach, he will either die or accept the truth of his condition. There’s a chance he will then be ready to be honest with himself, stop blaming other people, take responsibility for his own actions and be ready to accept help and take the steps necessary to finally rejoin society. I’m sorry Jael, I really am…..and I know what I’m talking about. My brother was manic / depressive and an alcoholic. He lied to everyone,(including himself) until he couldn’t face reality anymore. Then he killed himself. I’ve been manic / depressive my entire adult life, and never knew what was wrong with me. I was finally diagnosed ~ 20 years ago. It took years and countless trials of different drugs and several hospitalizations before they found drugs to help me. I never blamed anyone else. I just thought I was weak and lacked the will power to get out of my terrible depression and do things….and I’m supposed to be a genius. Some genius! I couldn’t even help myself. But during my stay in mental institutions, and my treatments and my association with so many suffering souls who shared their pain with me, I learned something. I’m trying to share the little I know with you. I hope it helps! …and I hope you and your daughter have the courage to keep him away from the family for at least a year. After that, if he remains on his medication and stops using drugs, you might consider him visiting the family, but make sure he’s not manipulating you again. It’s terrible to be so untrusting, but you all deserve a chance at a normal life and some happiness. I hope you take it!!

What do you think? Answer below!

Game Addiction Plagues Asia, Grows in US
Asia also leads the world in recognizing the problem and offering treatment options, including treatment centers, public clinics and boot camps where kids detox and live in game-free environments. But Greenfield said “the jury's out on whether the …
Read more on Voice of America (blog)

North Penn Life Community Datebook: Week of Dec. 15
BookFlix – We are proud to offer free access-at home or at the library to BookFlix, an online e-reading program from Scholastic that combines classic fictional storybooks with similarly themed nonfiction e-books along with games and puzzles to make …
Read more on Montgomery Newspapers