How Can I Get My Family’s and My Self Respect Back?
Question by eric t: How can I get my family’s and my self respect back?
I’ve been very depressed for a few months now. It’s very frustrating for me and my family and I would very much like to be happier. But I still find myself spiraling further and further into a very dark abyss… I can’t escape my feelings of hurt, guilt and resentment. It’s become a vicious cycle…
The root of the current problem stems from the fact that I graduated college this past May. I’ve been living at home since then and feel very depressed leaving behind the wonderful experience I had in college. I’ve never really cared that much about school or classes- I always thought they were a waste of time when I could be having fun, or doing things that I want to do. But I suffered through, hoping that the good would outweigh the bad. In college, I met people who were like me- people who also just wanted to have a good time and we had a GREAT time. I lived a life of no responsibility and excess and was very happy. Now that college is gone, I miss my friends and the lifestyle.
My family has always been incredibly supportive of me whenever my goals involve what THEY want for me (good grades, financial independence, career success). I just want to have a good time with the minimal amount of unpleasantness. I have no idea what kind of career I’d want (I’m adverse to most jobs seeing as they have the potential to suck out your time and energy) and get very frustrated being forced to do anything by any authority. I’d rather do what I decide. I’m scared of being stuck doing something that sucks, but it also sucks not having any money or income.
My parents do not support “having fun”. They refuse to help me out or give me any money at all while I’m not working. They don’t trust me- and with good reason. They know when I do have money it gets spent irresponsibly on weed, cigarettes, booze and drugs. I’m not an “out of control” addict though. I don’t think I abuse anything or hurt anyone when I get f*cked up. Smoking a bowl is simply my preferred way relaxing or enhancing any activity. I like knowing that I can escape from the stress and unpleasantness that responsibilities and relationships cause.
Either way, I hate fighting with my family all the time, having to hide (and or wait till late at night) when I get stoned, and constantly feeling like I’ve disappointed them, and that they’re not proud of me, I’m a burden etc. My parents tell me to “just get a job” and then get upset when I try to explain to them why it’s hard for me to do that.
They do so much for me, and care so much for me, but I don’t know how to be the person that they want- especially when they want me to embrace changes that I fear, and worry will compromise my happiness.
I don’t want success. I don’t want a job with a boss telling me what to do all the time. I just want to do the things that I find meaningful- even if they don’t amount to anything tangible. But I also want to make my parents proud. It eats me up inside to think that they are disappointed or angry at me.
Either way, I feel like I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Am I hopelessly immature? Will life get any better? Anyone have any advice?
BTW: I am seeing a psychologist and take medication (Adderall for ADD and Ativan for Anxiety- both of which I think help a lot. I will not take any SSRIs though- tried it- made me feel absolutely terrible). The talk therapy thing I think is kinda stupid, a little bit of a waste of time but it doesn’t hurt I guess- just doesn’t make my problems go away…
Best answer:
Answer by Ieatbirds Yum
put ur clothes back on
Answer by Zerem
That is life, and it doesn’t get any less complicated. I wouldn’t be worried about getting “stuck” in a shitty job, since working in general is all a giant cesspool of dealing with stupid shit.
If you get a job and move out, you won’t have to deal with your parent’s expectations pressing down on you. Or you could go the other route and go at it hobo style.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
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